Hidden even from myself?

HIDDEN EVEN FROM MYSELF?

I wanted to write something a little personal today, I like to try and be as positive as I can about my limitations due to my health issues but sometimes when things are too bad and I have been housebound for too long, been in too much pain, feel extra sick or just too tired, I can get a little tearful.  The odd thing is though when I am in these lower times I find myself thinking a lot more about things! 

I have to admit one of the things that sucks the most about having hidden illnesses is just that, they are hidden!  To everyone I look normal, that might not sound like a bad thing, I mean it's good to look well isn't it?  There is nothing worse then when you are ill and you look as ill as you feel! 

I always thought that until I got ill and found myself being judged forever on my looks, even the most well meaning people always sound so shocked and I have lost track of the number of times someone said to me "but you look alright!" I have got to the point my initial response is but you can't see pain unless I show it can you!  And tbh most of us living in pain don't remember what it was like to not be in pain, so we don't show the pain as much because we already know its coming and are braced for it. 

The oddest thing for me often is when I look at photographs of days that I know I was in so much pain the moment I was in private I was in tears, when I excused myself for the 5th trip to the toilet it was to take more pain killers, shed a few tears then pull myself as back together fast as I could and get back out there.  There are photos that I know I was so close to collapsing, yet when I look at them I see someone else, the old me still showing on the outside, the person who was so fast to smile, the person with very few cares in the world.  So which is the real me? The inside or the outside?  Will they ever become one again or am I better with the inner me being hidden because at least I look well!

I guess if I looked awful as I feel then I would not want my photo even taken eh lol but I so feel betrayed by the images in front of me because they do not feel like me anymore!  

I wonder if anyone can understand my ramblings?  Maybe someone will come across this one day who knows exactly where I am coming from lol.  For now though my odd thoughts stay with me!