I am on one hand extremely grateful that there are days that I can feel slightly more like my former self before I got ill, days where I can manage to do a few things.
When these days come I am elated, I seem to forget I am ill and push myself to my limits. I start thinking maybe I am going to be well again longer term and start mentally planning and hoping. Theoptimist in me is forever hopeful that I can improve enough to at least get part time work!
Then bam comes the payment for the good day! The pain, the foggy head, the headaches, the lack of energy and the tears! Because I have been reminded that I am ill, that for every good day I have I have to pay if I do too much!
Why do I do it is the question I ask myself! It's like the euphoria at feeling well enough to achieve things drives me on forgetting the payment.
Then I ask myself will I do it again? Or will I ever learn?
I think I will always do the same because I don't think the optimist in me will ever stop hoping and pushing!
You see even as I lie here with the tears on my cheeks from the pain, hating myself for doing too much for getting to here, I am also planning all the things I need and want to do tomorrow! And I know if my body will let me I will do them no matter that I know what the payment will be because! if I don't I would not enjoy the good days as much and frankly if I have to pay I might as well pay for a good reason!
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