When someone sees a stick, chair etc then they make exceptions but when you can't see the illness people even well meaning make jugements!
To the world I look fine and while I spend my life trying to not let my illnesses define me in the image I project to the world the opposite is the case!
You see my illnesses do define me, they make mornings impossible for me because the sedutives make me groggy and dizzy.
My day is dictated by rounds of medication that I need a maths degree just to get the timings right! Not joking here have some that have to be take 30 minutes before food, no others can be taken 2 hours after them, another has to be within an hour of food but nothing else within an hour of that! The list goes on!
My GERD and IBS dictate what I can eat without being ill, I can't sit down to a meal like the rest of you without being that one who can't eat half the menu and has to be difficult. I don't want to be but the consequences are ... well google them! Won't be discussing that but not good.
My cyst causes nerve pain, my damaged discs also so limit my movements.
My knees hurt so much I walk slow or not at all, I do my best to avoid even limited steps because each one hurts.
My meds make me constantly thirsty, its a nightmare but then the water retention tablets mean I am always needing the toilet. I drive people mad needing the toilet.
My Fibro hurts so bad I limit hugs and ask close friends and family to limit the strength in touching me, most think I am being over the top but honesty each touch even a well meaning hug hurts ne! Even my own clothes on my skin does and there is nothing I can do about it.
My CFS/ME really limits my day, if I manage to wake without brain fog its a miracle! I never thought that tiredness could be so intense! I used to wake up after a long nights sleep refreshed now i wake up sore and as tired as I was before i went to sleep.
I spend the day fighting my eyes, its like life long jetlag! Yet not! You see my bodies tired too, it hurts like I have done too much when I have not. It has me limiting my days and judging what I deem as important that day! If i don't listen to it the petulant baby it is throws a tantrum and makes me so poorly I have to stay in bed! This makes me so paranoid! Always scared to step out of line!
I try to smile, so hard I try! Often i manage until I close a door then the tears come but even that causes judgements because you see the smile but not the gritted teeth. You don't see the inner strength being used to project that outter projection of a normal me when the insides in pieces and to be honest I usually want to sit on the floor
and cry.
You judge me because one minute I manage something but not the next.you think I am being difficult when I am just trying to cope! You tut, moan and refuse to change but worst of all you withdraw and it all hurts much more than my illnesses hurt me!
You see i want to be normal I like to make the image of me as normal as possible. I dnt want to spend my life explaining how my illnesses are causing my actions. It's not excuses! Trust me!
Please remember I am trying so hard even if it does not appear it and try not to judge because it hurts so much!
Please try and not huff at me, tut, moan, shake your head or worse discuss how I am affecting you because I am not doing any of it on purpose and your thinking badly of me for things I can't control hurts so much!
